his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
