VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
