I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
