I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
