fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
