I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Randomize
