Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
