you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
