How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
