Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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