So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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