i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
