i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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