my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
