Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
