Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
