pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
