I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
