the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
