im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
