I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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