If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
