My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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