fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
