The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
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