Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
