it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
