Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
