3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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