My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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