I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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