I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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