HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You may now shotgun with the bride
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
