those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
