My friends, they love my intelligence
we made out on top of his cat.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Randomize
