I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
