I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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