If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
