You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
