I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
