My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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