On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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