I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
