My girlfriend figured out who you are.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
