Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
