The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
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I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
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Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize