I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
