just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
How does one acquire holy water?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
