either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
