I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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