Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
