I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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