every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Randomize
