put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
