Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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