1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
